I think this time He wants to end it once and for all. He is fed up with you not getting fed up with you.
Each time you get to a valley, event the smallest view of light usually gets you out. This time though, it’s different.
This time the valley feels like an abyss. The deeper you fall, the farther away from the light you go! Somehow this time you have no desire to reach out for it. You keep falling, it keeps getting darker. It’s uncomfortable but you cannot stop it. You are falling and the darkness is one with gravity.
I was thinking about dirt and darkness earlier today. We have seen enough detergent adverts to understand that dirt can be dealt with in a simple washing.
What I have never seen is darkness being washed away. It’s not a stain. It’s a state.
The kind of fall you are experiencing is not weightless. It’s heavy on the heart. Your heart wants to stop falling but you also don’t want to have a little light save you only to later fall again.
You’re in between a rock and a hard place.
Between The Rock and a hard place.
Between His will and yours.
It’s the kind of situation which necessitates that for you to be free, you must come to an end. You must hit rock bottom and break. Break all your bones, break your will. And a huge boulder must then land and squish you. Squish out your ego and self.
So this time, there is no quick fix. No scripture to lift your mood. If there is scripture it is to emphasize your dire need for a total annihilation. Yes, there is no succour. At least the kind that you usually get. The issue must be dealt with; given a final blow.
So you read the scriptures, listen to sermons, talk with friends but not to find a pick-me- up, rather, to understand so gravely your darkness that when you get to the bottom of it, you know, you no longer want glimpses of the light, you want the full strength of the sun.
You don’t get caught up with Joel Osteen messages that try to encourage you because you know, you are the problem. You must see your end in Christ, lest you keep trying to co drive with Him.
He wants to end it all. He wants you to give up on you.
He wants you to give up temporary spiritual highs to have eternal firmness in the rock that is higher than you.
You’re not Jacob wrestling God for a physical blessing. You’re wrestling God so that the blessing of not I but Christ comes to pass. That He overcomes you. That He increase and you decrease and come to nought. That Christ be all in all. And you’re willing to wait, whether it takes a night or a week or a month or forty years but that finally you will know when you come to a place that your heart finally agrees and says
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
May it come sooner.