“If sin is something that you understand yourself to do on occasion, well then grace might be something that you need on occasion; but if sin is something you are, then grace must be something you live by; grace must be in fact Him living in you. ” JH
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.” I said as my knees touched the ground. I was really getting tired of this. “Your word says to approach your throne of grace to receive help and mercy in time of need”. I needed a fix, another blunt of grace. Another pick me up, I was feeling low. I knew this feeling all too well. Yet despite my best efforts and knowledge, I seemed to end up at this point each time this temptation came,
In my heart I asked, “I know. I know. Yet I still come to this end. Is there no end?”.
Yesterday I heard a brother talk about Paul, and the thorn in his flesh. He noted that whatever was happening was in the realm of the flesh, not the spirit, and despite the discomfort it brought, and the longing he had for God to take it away, it remained. God’s response was always “My grace is sufficient.” It was not an overcoming grace but a sustaining grace.
Paul after that experience decided to boast in his weakness for it was in that that God’s power was made perfect.
I try so much to overcome this. It angers me. In the flesh, I would be pleased by it but in the spirit, I find great distress. I find myself a slave in the flesh. I often tell God, something different would have been more workable. A different weakness. Something I can control. Something where I can apply my power and strength.
A preacher man one time said to get rid of the distress. To make war. War. To exercise my human capacities; mental in this case – to be resolute, to choose to do the right thing. I tried. I failed.
I …and it occurred to me then. I.
In all of this, I come first. I detest the shame. I hate the weakness. I hate it. Christ I only come to as an enabler. A blunt to ease the pain of failure.
The grace I desire is like the “Break Glass in case of fire”, when there is no fire I can manage on my own. See, without realising it, the weakness has been about me and no one else. I feel like sometimes I took on Christ to appear sane and cultured, not a bad boy, an outcast. I received a self centred salvation. Something that cleaned me up.
How I have been deceived.
Often, without knowing it, God’s Grace is a mere blunt. Something for me. Yet grace is Him living, not me feeling better about myself. The more I say I, the more I realise I need to get out of the way and boast in the weaknesses. A free man is sans fears and cares of self preservation; seeing this, I find my idea of freedom has been an illusion. Walking with a very long leash thinking I can move far from where I am chained.. I even realise, love is not comprehended for perfect love casts out all fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss.
His grace is Him bringing me into His death, a death I could not die and even if I did, would not be accepted to the Father. His grace is His life taking over. It comes to the place whereby I live by it, yet not I but Christ. Oh but He needs to reveal this to me to the core; inside out lest I put on a show.
Lord, undo me. Take me to that place where it is not I but Christ. I take too much care to myself. If it is letting me fall free, let me. Unhinge me. Remove me from my sights that I may walk in your light. Open my eyes to the grace that is your life, not my emergency button, or blunt. Erase me, establish you. I pray.