I thought I had it. I thought you had been sincere. After all, foundations are stronger over time yet it seems ours just weakened each day.
I don’t believe it was you who said those venomous words to me. No it wasn’t; no it couldn’t; no it mustn’t. You always said sorry when you hurt me- you weren’t a bad person, just found yourself in bad situations sometimes. You should have said sorry but your apology never came, and I know why. Coz it couldn’t, wasn’t supposed to.
Your mouth was gagged and probably your heart as well- nothing could come out unchecked. All the words about me were censored coz I was evil- a hindrance to your happiness.
You never said those words, never. You wouldn’t. How do I know? Coz you’d never said them. Even when you felt like hitting me, those times when I got you mad, you wouldn’t. You’d just stay silent and after a while tell me what was wrong. Of course I had to beg, for you kept your hurt inside- but I was special, when I asked, you told me what was wrong. But this time I didn’t ask- I knew you wouldn’t give me an answer, coz your mouth was gagged.
Such words are too poisonous to have come out of your mouth. I don’t believe they were yours. They didn’t belong to you. They want to make you think you’re cold but you’re not; you’re warm and sweet inside. Those words weren’t yours.
Do you remember when you said you loved the way I love you? That was true-that was genuine-that was you. You said it and it came from the depths of your soul. You meant it- when you said you loved me then, and the many other times you said it. You meant it, when your big round brown eyes would stare into mine with a gleam of joy; when you’d say you loved me. Holding my arm and beaming a smile- I knew you meant it when you said you loved me.
I was like an addiction you tried to quit- you were an addiction to me as well. Remember that time when we had not spoken for four months, when out of the blue you opened your mouth? That time we walked down small paths om Kikoni and you told me you tried to forget me but that you had failed- that there was nothing like “us”; that you could only be yourself in my presence, and no other’s. We were kindred spirits and nothing could take that away.
So when those words came- I refused to believe they were yours. You didn’t say them coz they could have killed me; murdered me; ended me; but you would never do that. So I received them and smiled, coz I knew this was your only way out.
I know; it’s okay. People are not who we think they are. So I know it was him. Yes, because he was unsure of your love. Even if it were I,I too wouldn’t be. For I’m certain you kept calling him my name; kept telling him the places we had gone to and the things we had done; and though you repented each time, you’d do it again. He was not jealous, perhaps only unsure of your love.
It was bad coz you’d tell him how it was I who suggested we go to Bible Study coz there was cassava and tea; and that it was how you became a member of the Church that he joined too.
I wasn’t your lover, I was your friend- but how could he be sure? So he told you to say those words. At first he demanded you call me and let me hear them from your own lips, for that would be a perfect size dagger for my heart, but you pleaded with him and told him you’d never forgive yourself so he eased on you and let you send the text.
I sensed your desperation in the texts. Your silent pleas for help but I couldn’t help you. It was your decision. It was either him or I and you couldn’t give up on your tall, dark, and handsome.
So it’s okay. I moved on. I know those words had to be said to let me off. Yet when I think that they could be true- that I am the one person you regret most ever meeting-I cringe in self doubt.
It is 4 months since you denounced me. I thought I would be stronger now, yet when she talked about her ex, I also began to think of mine…